Brian,
I listened to your pod cast re. sexual healing and I hope you are willing to engage a digital conversation over its content.
I wonder why you did not address the issue of sexual abuse? Your message applies very logically to someone who has not been sexually abused. But, for a person who has been abused as a child, your message had the (no doubt unentended) consequence of being quite toxic. A person w/ this background needs to learn in their body as well as in their head that they do indeed have the right to determine what their body will or will not do. The reason for this need is that someone in their early life abused the privaledge of their power over the child's body. The results of that abusive is that the central nervous system of the person learned to react to w/ the guilt and shame of having to submit to that person who had power over them. Learning to let go of that fear, guilt and shame that is in the body is a process of healing. In m ost cases, this process takes time and an enourmous amount of patience on the part of both marriage partners. In a marriage w/ a good partner, the partner's ability to receive a "no" when necessary and be in full undertanding of the (metaphorical) "demons" the spouse may be battling re. is actsexually part of the healing process.
The closest way to think of this in your sermon is, for a long period of time, this is almost like that time of "prayer," where the partners understand that God's grace needs to be fleshed out in the person's life. This does not mean no , but it does mean that the person who has been abused needs to avoid any setting in which a message such as yours is spoken or enacted or embraced, ie, "the other gets priority." But rather, in love, the other gives priority to the one who needs healing because of their compassion for what the other is facing and recieving healing from. This extended time can be seen as a "time of prayer" for healing.
However, often the person who was abused is the one who has to work hard to bring the spouse to that undertanding. So, there is another reason why your message had the unentended toxic quality. It discouraged couples from entering into a an extended time of that kind of "prayer and healing." There are few places in society and no place, that I have found, in church, that affirm the need for this kind of process and understanding. Yet, we know that, statistically, 1 out of 3 women in our country were sexually abused at some time in their life. So, even if church is a self selected group of people who were from better backgrouds and the odds go way down, what if only 1 out of every 10 women in your church were sexually abused as a child? The odds are better for men, but they do exist. I propose that even for such low odds, the s who were sexually abused, and the s who are currently sexually abusing their children, need a frank discussion of how their healing process might unfold.
Now, of course, the long term goal of this extended time of healing is that both members of the couple love and enjoy having w/ each other! And, it does happen. But it is much less likely to happen when people of authority tell the person who was abused that "they don't have priority" over their own body.
It is for the above reason that I really wish any sermon such as yours would deal w/ the issue of sexual abuse, and make very very clear that a person w/ such a background really needs to get professional help in their healing process. I would even go so far as to preach two sermons, one on sexual healing for persons w/ healthy backgrounds, and then another for persons who have been sexually abused as children.
The person who has been abused needs to have a sermon that stops way at the beginning of your message and takes lots of time to focus on the issue of how guilt and shame can become part of our central nervous system, and what kind of process it takes to be healed of such a thing, and for the spouse, how to turn that time of having to face what their spouse may be facing into a time of "prayer," both for them and for the children who are being raised in our day!
If you have any interest in doing any research on this topic, I can give you some good resources. And, for those who have been abused, might I also encourage you to do some research before you preach on this topic again?
Sincerely,
"Interested."
The "zinger" question at the end was hurtful, but obviously "Interested" was deeply offended by the lack of any mention of sexual abuse in the message. My hope is that my discussion of 1 Corinthians 7 in the message would encourage both partners to put the other's needs first (whatever they are), meaning that if healing needs to take place, the other partner is lovingly encouraging that healing. Obviously I didn’t do a very good job getting that message across. My only excuse for the oversight is that we were endeavoring to discuss a multitude of sexual problems and healing via systematically (i.e. line upon line) working through the content of two chapters of the Song of Songs in one message (5:2-7:9). Even so, I ask for forgiveness from any person(s) hurt by the neglect of this vital topic. I agree that more needs to be said about the issue of sexual abuse and healing from the same and this post is just one attempt to move forward in that direction. There is also a list of some tremendous reading resources at the message description (scroll down to 2/19) and I can make some great referrals to wonderful Christian counselors here in the Rochester, NY area.
I think it is also important to note that the absence of such discussion within the message was not out of a sense of callousness, apathy, or even unfamiliarity. I have first-hand knowledge of the devastating repercussions of sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by a family member from the ages of 3-5 and live with the consequences every day. Let me also be an encouragement to any who are victims of such abuse and say that there is hope, you can find healing and wholeness. I can tell you from personal experience that healing will be a rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows, pain and peace, and it will take time, but it is possible. God bless you on your journey of healing.
